What to Do to Get Your Ex Back AND What NOT to Do!

If you want your ex back, you’d better get started on mending the relationship right now before it’s too late. I know it may seem like your ex “hates” you but allow me to let you in on a powerful irony: This is, in fact, a very good sign.

“Hate” proves that there are still emotions related to the relationship and you can work with that. Ambivalence usually means that the sentiment your ex once had for you has now died and is not returning. Located between hate and ambivalence is a “golden” time when you are able to win back the love of your life but ONLY if you play your cards right.

The seeds of failure are found in your natural “fight or flight” reactions located in your brain stem. These panic urges are not grounded in reason but, rather, survival. They are as old as time, passed down genetically from our pre-historic ancestors whose daily life was a challenge just to remain alive. When being chased by a hungry dinosaur, you run… but if you run over a cliff, the final result is the same as being eaten alive.

When a significant relationship looks like it is over, panicking is the last thing you want to do. Here are some of the self-defeating things we do, robotically, when threatened with the ending of a love relationship:

1. We hold ourselves accountable.

2. We express regret constantly but end up appearing weak and pathetic in the process.

3. We pledge to be a better person and look weak and pathetic in the process.

4. We tip toe around, stalking and spying.

5. We tell them we love them repeatedly and look weak and pathetic in the process.

6. We attempt to move the blame onto them.

7. We get in touch with their friends and relatives to see if we can gain some leverage there and only anger the very person we are trying to win back.

8. We call them and text them continually and end up looking weak and pathetic.

And, worst of all,

9. We BEG them to come back making us look HOPELESSLY weak and pathetic.

The tricky thing to comprehend is that even though all of these “fight or flight” responses come from a good, loving place that only wants things back the way they were, they always end up backfiring which is exactly what you DO N�T want. In order to see this more clearly, imagine that the roles were reversed and your ex was showing you all these “fight or flight” things in a desperate attempt to get you back. How appealing would your ex seem to you then? YUCK!!!

What you need to do (and be) is something totally different. You need to turn yourself into a “flame” and your ex into a “moth” that is irresistibly drawn to your flame. If you consider it logically, you need to position your self as a person of great value, somebody worth getting back, a person your ex thinks he or she just can’t live without. You don’t do this by seeming weak and pathetic. You do this by being strong and wise and perhaps seeming just a bit aloof.

There are many completely reasonable, psychological techniques that you can utilize to strengthen your case but you MUST do something soon, before your ex finds someone new and lapses into ambivalence. There are books out there that can assist you with this. Buy a good one today and get started right away. Above all, fight all those “fight or flight” reactions until you get a handle on what to do (and be) that works to get you what you want and need.

I recognize, from personal experience, that breaking up can batter you like a ton of bricks. It’s simply overwhelming, like a 50-foot tsunami, knocking you flat. You feel like you can’t breathe and panic sets in. In some cases, there were ample warnings before but you just ignored them or couldn’t see them, being convinced, in your blindness, that you were secure in your relationship. And, every so often, the breakup comes as a complete surprise.

That’s the way it happened to me at the end of my first marriage, years ago: One night, she said, almost inaudibly, “I want a divorce.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! I attempted to talk her out of it but she was immovable.

I ended up doing most of the unwise, “fight or flight” things I mentioned above but no matter what I tried, nothing worked. I moved in with my parents. I lost almost 30 pounds. I could not sleep at night, except briefly. The second I awoke, that tsunami swept over me again. Food tasted like sawdust. I couldn’t stop talking about my breakup. Meanwhile she found someone else. We divorced and she remarried.

Today, many years later, I recognize that we were not right for each other and it would have been a mistake to get back together even if I could have pulled it off. The irony is that if I knew then what I know now, I might have had her back, eating out of my hand. In retrospect, it’s a fortunate thing I didn’t have a clue what to do at the time. I know now that it wouldn’t have lasted. We were just too different.

Your family and friends will undoubtedly strongly counsel you not to attempt to get back together. They will most likely label your ex as the origin of all your difficulties and attempt to take your side because they love you. They are scared that if you get back together again, you will only have your heart broken once more. You must resist all of this “counsel.” Just close your ears to it because, if you are truthful with yourself, you are the only one that knows your relationship and you are the only one who recognizes, deep down, if getting back together is a good idea or not. You are the one that has to make the choice and you are the person who has to live with it.

That said, if you decide that you aspire to get back with your ex, the good news is that most any relationship can be salvaged, IF you play your cards wisely and take the needed steps soon enough. If you do the “fight or flight” things, you will just drive your ex farther and farther away. They will grow to be even more alienated from you than they are now.

Alternatively, if you do the moth and flame thing, you will almost always get your ex back but you MUST take action rapidly before “hate” turns into ambivalence. In short: Give your ex reasons to come back to you rather than justifications for leaving you. While this won’t heal ALL relationships, it will work with the majority of them if the spark still exists under all the anger and “hate.”

I do not have space here to go into all the details of what to do and be. I suggested above that you buy a good book for that. I can give you just a few parting tips, however:

1. Make an apology but do it in a way that makes you seem strong, not weak and pathetic.

2. Exhibit to your ex what he or she is missing, not what YOU are missing.

3. Resist sex until the relationship is totally healed. Sex too soon is counter-productive. Make-up sex later can be mind-blowing.

4. The reality that you may have cheated does not have to be a deal-breaker. Actually, it is much easier to restore loyalty and trust than you might think.

I wish you all the best in recovering your relationship with your ex. Now that you have some of the tools and can purchase the resources to learn the rest, get started before it’s too late. Don’t squander another minute!

Bob Gillespie

© 2011 Robert M. Gillespie, Jr.

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