The buff bod is the muscular, weightlifter’s body that has been shaped and refined through hours of blood, sweat, and tears in gyms (never “gymnasiums” to gay men) around the world.
It is represented by the actor Vin Diesel, of whom you will never have heard if you are not gay and have come (pun intended) to this page by accident or because you’re “bi curious” or otherwise in denial about your budding homosexuality. (By the way, men–even gay men–do not have “breasts.” The muscular masses protruding from the chests of bodies like Vin Diesel’s physique are pecs, which is short for “pectoral,” as in “pectoral muscles,” which no one, straight, gay, or in between, ever says.)
The buff bod is never a result of the honest innocent participation in ordinary sports or athletics, such as basketball, football, or hockey. It is a manufactured body, created by thousands of man-hours (or girly-man hours) of backbreaking bench presses, flyes, butterfly curls, dips, and other iron-pushing maneuvres, executed in a four-on, one-off punishing schedule of gym-going. Although the physical routine is exhausting, each workout is rewarded with a chance to check out the object of one’s lubricious affections in the showers, in order to ascertain whether he has the necessary qualifications to be shagged. (Eat your hearts out, straight boys)
Edit Naturally Thin Body
“Thin is ‘in.'”
~ Jude Law
Jude Law, owner and operator of the “naturally thin body” gay body type
Some men are born thin and die thin. Between their births and their deaths, they remain thin. They’re blessed with high metabolisms that burn carbs, calories, fat, and cholesterol, and other bad stuff at the same rate as a fire rips through the tumbleweeds and cacti that Californians call forests.
In the “literature” (i. e., disgusting gay personals that people like you read in a pathetic attempt to find another “quick fling”), this body type, which is decidedly gay, is known as the “naturally thin body” and is represented fairly well by the physique (or lack thereof) of British actor Jude Law, whose name, again, will be unknown to you unless you are a male homosexual.
“I just grin and bear it.”
~ Dan Blocker
Dan Blocker: the bear bod
The most animalistic of the gay body types is that of the bear. As the name suggests, the guy who has this type of body is hairy. He is apt to have a mustache, a beard, a hairy chest, unusually abundant pubic hair, hairy arms and legs, and, if he is a true bear, as opposed to a mere cub, a hairy back (and, quite possibly, a hairy backside, too). He is so hairy that he looks as if he is about to hibernate or climb a tree.
Be not deceived, however; his looks are deceiving, and he is likely to be as energetic (and as strong) as a bear in the wild. Fortunately, despite his large size, he is also likely to be as cuddly as a teddy bear (although, as he is definitely Mr. Macho, he will not wear a teddy for his boyfriend, so save yourself a black eye or a red ass, and don’t ask him to do so). His brawn suggests that he is the dominant partner in a relationship; he is–but he protects well the young man whom he adopts as his cub. Although he lacks facial hair and, as far as anyone knows, actor Dan Blocker was not gay, his build epitomizes the gay bear body type.
“I may look like “just a twink,” but have you seen me on Smallville?”
~ John Schneider
Jesse McCartney: A twink
The twink (once known as the hunk) is the goodlooking, cleancut young man of the type who appears in the novels of John Rechy, homo author. Often blond and dimpled, with smooth, usually hairless, skin, a flawless complexion, and frequently a tan that imparts a golden hue or a bronze tint to his perfect boy’s body, the twink (short for “Twinkie,” the cylindrical angelfood, cream-filled Hostess cake–get it?)–the twink’s body is considered divine by faggots who enjoy the look popularized by the ancient Greek sculptors of catamites, for whom sodomites were perfect mates. The physique of actor John Schneider, who played Bo Duke on The Dukes of Hazard, is a good approximation of the twink body type beloved by North American Gays. It should be noted however that those with twink bodies commonly experience several bitchy behavioural side effects– and are therefore aesthetically pleasing to a certain respect, but are commonly lacking in desirable attitude or personality.
“My sperm swim faster than any heterosexual guy’s.”
~ Greg Louganis
The Athletic Bod. Turns you on, doesn’t it?
Nancy boys who enjoy sports, whether limp-wrested tennis or wham-bam-thank-you-man football, tend to be “into” the athletic body type. One should remember, however, that just as there are many kinds of sports, there are many types of athletes, so the “athletic” body type should not necessarily conjure up an image of soft-spoken World Champion Ear-Biter Iron Mike Tyson or, for that matter, even O. J. Simpson, former football player and author of the stillborn If I Did It, Here’s How, in which he explains how he killed (or would have killed) his ex-wife Nicole Brown and her friend Rod Goldman. No, sports figures can be nice guys, and they can look like the boy next door, with more muscle tone than muscle and a suppleness that even Pamela Anderson would, along with their penises, envy. In fact, for most North American Gays, the athletic body type is more on the order of what is also sometimes known as the “swimmer’s build,” as exhibited by surfers, lifeguards, lounge lizards, and, of course, swimmers. Greg Louganis represents the athletic, or swimmer’s build, body type that is near and dear to homosexuals around the globe.
Edit Pleasingly Plump
“It ‘plumps’ when you ‘cook’ it.”
~ Raymond Burr
Raymond Burr: the pleasingly plump bod
The pleasingly plump gay body type is the male equivalent to the Rubenesque woman. Were he a woman, God forbid, the pleasingly plump gay would look pregnant. Instead, since he is not a woman, he will look like a Weebil that not only wobbled but fell down–and then couldn’t get back up again. The pleasingly plump gay is so pleasingly plump that his double chins have double chins and where he should have pecs he has what are known as “Bitch Tits.” When he laughs, his whole body laughs, his big belly jiggling like a vat of Jell-o gelatin dessert. Under all those layers and folds of fat, there tends to be a jovial and jolly old elf of a faggot whose genitals tend to look way smaller than they really are because of the mountains of surrounding fatty tissue. Even his hands and feet–hell, even his fingers and toes–are fat. The vast majority of homosexuals fitting this description; with conservative estimates standing at around 99%, were wiped out in 2007 by a cull to celebrate the amalgamation of the nightclubs G.A.Y and Heaven. The pleasingly plump gay body type is represented by actor William Conrad or Raymond Burr in his latter (i. e., fatter) days.
Edit Closet Gay
The closet gay is potentially the most dangerous, since it is the hardest to identify but it very dangerous and is always an old person, hapepens after marriag. Often lives in denial of their gayness and may have history of being a sailor. This most dangerous form of gay body type is likely to appear homophobic, but be warned they may choose to strike at your anal regions without warning, usually after being activated with copious amounts of alcohol or pot.
They are usually found living in semi rural regions and live in denial of their perverse sexuality. If you encounter a closet gay it is recommended you exit the room keeping your arse firmly against the wall.
Edit Non-gay Body Types
Because you are a pansy, there are some body types that you will never encounter in your search for the perfect homo mate. Since you won’t find any of these body types among the listings in your favorite gay personals, they won’t be described here, but, so you will know what not to look for, one non-gay body type is included:
Thanks to Uncyclopedia, the next time you are cruising gay personal ads and you see a phrase like “swimmer’s build” or “pleasingly plump,” you will know what you are in for.
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